We felt so isolated and in the dark as we struggled to save our teenager. Looking back, I can see which strategies made the difference. Surprisingly, some of our best choices were accidental. I hope this gives you relief when you hear that terrible whisper of self-doubt, “am I doing the right thing?” There are no right answers, but here are five things that helped us along our son’s road to recovery.

We start off doing things for our kids because they can’t yet. Then over time we continue doing these tasks out of habit and don’t realize when it’s time to hand them over to our kids. For example, at some point in elementary school, your child is capable of unloading a dishwasher, making a sandwich, setting the table, maybe even frying an egg. You probably would prefer to continue to do some of these things yourself because you’re quicker and less messy, but is that really serving our kids’ growth?

I recently watched the new film Everything Everywhere All at Once and cried throughout the whole end as I watched Michelle Yeoh’s character physically pull her daughter from the abyss that threatened her existence. It was too close to home. Three years ago, that’s exactly what I was doing with my then 14-year-old daughter. What started out as my attending the South Bay Families Connected Parent Chat to talk about the seemingly typical challenges I had with my daughter—too much screen time, the plummet of self-esteem in front of social media, peer influence—became a lifeline over the following year as I rose to the challenge of having a child dysregulate to the point of attempting her own life.

My phone rang just as I had finished telling my thirteen year-old daughter to get ready for her AYSO soccer game. I was startled by the voice on the other end. Why was my mom’s best friend calling me on a Saturday morning? Her soft words informed me that she’d taken my seventy-five year-old mother to the emergency room. I sat down unable to absorb all the words that had rolled off her tongue. I wasn’t prepared for my fated future… That was the moment I entered the sandwiched generation, but I wouldn’t put a label on it for many years. I was too busy trying to stay afloat. For those who don’t know, the sandwich generation is defined as people who have at least one parent still living and at least one child under the age of 21 and it consists of 44% of all people age 45-55.

To parents: your child may be bullied, or may be the bully, and you might not have a clue. May I suggest the importance of really noticing your kid’s behavior. This is so much easier said than done in these busy times but the more you are honed into your child, the more you will notice the tells that indicate worrisome change. Be a pain in the neck. Be willing to annoy. Know passwords. Gently let your child know that no topic is off limits.

It is important during the stressful holiday season to unplug and reconnect with loved ones. Below, we have outlined many ways to do just that through acts of kindness and giving, enjoying the many beautiful South Bay attractions, going device-free, brushing up on social skills at home, doing a family movie night and taking advantage of the many holiday events in the South Bay.

Over the past three months, South Bay parents, teens and administrators representing our 115 SBFC Partner Schools have collectively shared with us one key social-emotional wellness trending youth issue: many students are struggling with their social skills and peer relationships. The conventional wisdom seems to be, both here in the South Bay and nationally, that virtual learning may have put students’ normal social development on pause. As one administrator put it, “Some students have forgotten how to interact, from understanding social cues to practicing kindness to one another. Our 5th graders are acting like 4th graders.” And others have shared that social anxiety and isolation have increased.

Have you ever been in a beauty pageant? No? Yeah, me neither. But that’s what the college admissions process feels like to me.

My oldest is currently going through this process, so it’s my first rodeo. In preparation, I’ve attended school sponsored presentations for years, college-prep company presentations, read articles, read books, followed experts on Facebook – you name it, I’ve done it. And you know what? Now that we’re really in it, here’s what I didn’t know. I didn’t know how it would feel.

When you become a parent, you are responsible for keeping your child alive...literally. From day one, babies start teaching us how to meet their every need and ensure their happiness. And I think for most parents we continue on that path well past when it best serves them and us.

As we prepare for another BTS, here’s what I’d tell my younger parent self. Above all else, I wish I could go back and yell “don’t do it!”, in the hopes of avoiding one of the most embarrassing moments of my parenting career, which I will now share with you.

Re-entry is not going to be perfect: rules will seem arbitrary and change often, it won’t all make sense or be convenient, but it’s a start…Talk with your children about what to expect. Encourage them to have an open mind.

Talking about their diagnosis gives your child a valuable chance to ask questions. It may also be relieving to them when they learn to normalize and accept the special ways they experience life. It also helps your child see why treatment is helpful, so they are more likely to buy-into & take an active part in their own treatment and advocating for their own goals.

As I type, I am snuggled up, warmed by the glow of our Christmas tree, my laptop, and abounding peace and quiet. No, I am not living in some alternate universe, or on a fancy self-care retreat in Montana. It is December in the year 2020 and I wake up at 5am to get a little bit of ‘me time’. And by me time, I mean a couple hours of uninterrupted work before all the creatures are stirring, need to be fed, have some type of situation, and are eventually logged on to Zoom school. Who is with me? I bet if I called out into the pre-dawn darkness, a choir of exhausted parents would echo back.

“…I’m also grateful for more family movie time in 2020. One of my favorites was Jo Jo Rabbit. Before the credits roll, there’s an excerpt from a poem by Rainer Maria Rilke:“Let everything happen to you: beauty and terror. Just keep going. No feeling is final.”

Vulnerability. Something I’ve run from far too long. At today’s speech in front of 1,000 students in 7th and 8th grade, I went to the scariest emotional place I own. While my main topic was exposing the consequences of vaping, I encouraged myself to explain the choice my brother made which ultimately took his life. This is the most important part of my journey where life stopped, and continues to affect me everyday. Allowing myself to open this deep emotion in front of strangers still breaks me every time.

As I scroll through photos now, it’s almost a year later. Like many collegians, Linda returned home from her Spring Semester and finished online due to the COVID19 virus. Although leaving her new friends and independence behind was a loss, the restrictions placed on us as a family to stay home gave us an opportunity to reflect about what we wish we had known.