When coping with a death, you may go through all kinds of emotions. You may be sad, worried, or scared. You might be shocked, unprepared, or confused. You might be feeling angry, cheated, relieved, guilty, exhausted, or just plain empty. Your emotions might be stronger or deeper than usual or mixed together in ways you've never experienced before.
Some people find they have trouble concentrating, studying, sleeping, or eating when they're coping with a death. Others lose interest in activities they used to enjoy. Some people lose themselves in playing computer games or eat or drink to excess. And some people feel numb, as if nothing has happened. All of these are normal ways to react to a death.
It’s often hard to know what to say or do when someone you care about is grieving. You may be afraid of intruding, saying the wrong thing, or making the person feel even worse. Or maybe you feel there’s little you can do to make things better. While you can’t take away the pain of the loss, you can provide much-needed comfort and support. There are many ways to help a grieving friend or family member, starting with letting the person know you care.
The Gathering Place, grief information and support groups
The Gathering Place
5315 Torrance Blvd. Suite B-1, Torrance, CA 90503
Phone: (310) 546-6407
Dedicated to providing free mentoring support programs and services to children of parents, guardians or siblings who have cancer or have succumbed to cancer…
…one child at a time, one heart at a time.
My Grief Rights (from Our House, Grief Support Center)
Someone you love has died. You are probably having many hurtful and scary thoughts and feelings right now. Together those thoughts and feelings are called grief, which is a normal (though really difficult) thing everyone goes through after someone they love has died. The following ten rights will help you understand your grief and eventually feel better about life again. Use the ideas that make sense to you. Post this list on your bedroom door or wall. Re-reading it often will help you stay on track as you move toward healing from your loss. You might also ask the grown-ups in your life to read this list so they will remember to help you in the best way they can.
1. I have the right to have my own unique feelings about the death.
I may feel mad, sad or lonely. I may feel scared or relieved. I may feel numb or sometimes not anything at all. No one will feel exactly like I do.
2. I have the right to talk about my grief whenever I feel like talking.
When I need to talk, I will find someone who will listen to me and love me. When I don’t want to talk about it, that’s okay, too.
3. I have the right to show my feelings of grief in my own way.
When they are hurting, some kids like to play so they’ll feel better for a while. I can play or laugh, too. I might also get mad and scream. This does not mean I am bad, it just means I have scary feelings that I need help with.
4. I have the right to need other people to help me with my grief, especially grown-ups who care about me.
Mostly I need them to pay attention to what I am feeling and saying and to love me no matter what.
5. I have the right to get upset about normal, everyday problems.
I might feel grumpy and have trouble getting along with others sometimes.
6. I have the right to have “griefbursts”.
Griefbursts are sudden, unexpected feelings of sadness that just hit me sometimes—even long after the death. These feelings can be very strong and even scary. When this happens, I might feel afraid to be alone.
7. I have the right to use my beliefs about my god to help me deal with my feelings of grief.
Praying might make me feel better and somehow closer to the person who died.
8. I have the right to try to figure out why the person I loved died.
But it’s okay if I don’t find an answer. “Why” questions about life and death are the hardest questions in the world.
9. I have the right to think and talk about my memories of the person who died.
Sometimes those memories will be happy and sometimes they might be sad. Either way, these memories help me keep alive my love for the person who died.
10. I have the right to move forward and feel my grief and, over time, to heal.
I’ll go on to live a happy life, but the life and death of the person who died will always be a part of me. I’ll always miss them.