Research shows that parents and guardians are the most important influence on their children, so talk early and talk often. Below are some tips and strategies to help you connect and listen so your kids will share, and share in a way that your kids will listen. Know that it is not about having the big “talk”, but rather about normalizing difficult conversations and establishing a pattern of open communication. It is never too early - or too late - to start difficult conversations.

Consider your timing and approach

  • When choosing a good time and place, the key factors are that they have your undivided attention, that they are comfortable and can openly express themselves without feeling pressured. 

    • Consider setting aside time after dinner, before bed, during a shared activity or on a walk or drive.

  • If they say they don’t want to talk, do not push it. Just let them know you’re curious and are there for them when they are ready talk.

  • Listen attentively and calmly – with interest, patience and openness.

  • Avoid any urge to judge, blame or lecture. Let your child take the time to express their thoughts and feelings. 

Be curious and keep conversations open and honest

  • Notice out loud - tell your child when you notice something bothering them and ask them to share their feelings

    • “You haven’t been yourself lately.”

  • Let your child know you are hearing what they’re saying by summing up what they’ve said and allowing them to confirm.

    • “It seems like you’re feeling…”

  • Use “I” statements to express yourself and describe how your child’s actions affect you and your feelings. 

    • “When you don’t come home on time, I worry that something terrible has happened to you. I need you to call me when you know you’ll be late, so I know you’re okay.”

  • Ask open-ended questions to achieve a more engaging conversation. 

  • Communicate in a straightforward manner.

Come from a place of love, even when you’re having a tough conversation

  • Offer empathy and support. 

  • Create an environment where your child feels safe and comfortable. 

  • Let them know the teen years are tough, but you are there for them. 

  • Share your own stories so your kid knows they are not alone in their struggles. 

  • Show you care and want to understand. 

  • Support can be in the form of a hug, heartfelt words or simply being present and available. 

  • Discuss healthy ways to cope with their problems.

Provide positive reinforcement and be clear on consequences

  • Communicate the rules you have and discuss the consequences if they break those rules. 

  • Use age appropriate language. Elementary aged children will need fewer details than high school students. 

  • Ask your teen to think about their future and how the possible consequences will affect their dreams and goals. 

Acknowledgement: We thank Beach Cities Health District’s for providing much of this information in their Talk About It campagin. Information is sourced from Partnership for Drug-Free Kids: How to Talk to Your Teen | MentalHealth.gov: Talk About Mental Health: For Parents & Caregivers | KidsHealth.org: Helping Kids Handle Worry | Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration: Why Small Conversations Make a Big Impression | National Council on Alcoholism and Drug Dependence, Inc.: Talking with Children.