I was in the second grade when I first realized there was something “wrong” with me. I wasn’t like the other kids, who seemed to have it all together. Learning was hard for me. I couldn’t sit still, I was constantly forgetting things and my mind was always somewhere far, far away. When it came to school, I just couldn’t win.

By middle school, I had a reputation. I remember one day, I was kicked out of Spanish class before it had even started. I was mid-conversation when I felt a set of eyes burning through my skull. I looked up to find the teacher hovering over my desk, “I’m not in the mood to deal with you today, Mikah. OUT!” By this point, I knew the drill. Some weeks I spent more time outside my classrooms than in. So, I picked up my desk and walked it outside into the hallway, put out like a bad dog.

The next several years of my life would follow the same narrative: I was a problem, something that needed to be dealt with, I was bad, fundamentally flawed, a failure with nothing to offer but a burden.

With my fate already sealed, by high school I was drinking, smoking weed and experimenting with other drugs. After all, I was a bad kid and that’s what bad kids do, right? I convinced the outside world that consequences didn’t scare me. I pretended to be shameless. Internally, I was stuck in a cycle of self-destruction. I drank to escape my self-loathing and woke up each time hating myself a little bit more. The reckless things I did while drunk only confirmed what I already believed to be true, I deserve the pain I felt. Any relationship that was good for me, was sabotaged. If an opportunity came my way, I drove it straight into the ground.

I didn’t know it then, but the condition I suffered from wasn’t ADHD, depression or anxiety, it was Toxic Shame. I’d seen dozens of therapists and not one had ever even mentioned the idea of shame.

Shame is an unpopular subject; we don’t want to talk about our deepest insecurities, or the reasons we feel unworthy of love and acceptance, or that we feel disgusted with some aspect of who we are. In fact, we go to great lengths to hide our shame. We stuff it down, deny it, compensate for it, project it, disown it and do whatever is necessary to avoid looking it directly in the eyes. The problem is, shame festers and thrives in the dark corners of the mind. It feeds on our secrets, our isolation and our fear.

It is painful, yes. But, like all of our emotions, shame has a purpose. Healthy shame helps us understand our limits, it fosters humility by letting us know when we’ve done something wrong. Shame turns poisonous however, when it’s internalized; that is, when the narrative shifts from, “I did something wrong” to “there’s something wrong with me.” The latter reflects what psychologists have termed, Toxic Shame.

There is no single emotional process more destructive than Toxic Shame. It attacks the very core of who we are, manipulates our perception and filters how we experience ourselves and our contact with the world. It convinces us that we’re unlovable, incompetent, bad. We are only good enough if we’re perfect and so on.

Toxic Shame inhibits a person’s ability to form meaningful connections. Real intimacy requires us to share ourselves with another person. When you feel basically defective, revealing your true self feels threatening. People who experience high levels of shame often go through life feeling empty. Although, it doesn’t always appear this way externally. Remember, shame is the master of disguise. Shame can express itself in ways that may seem counterintuitive, for example: perfectionism, hyper-criticism, paralysis, rage, shamelessness, arrogance and behavioral acting out are some of the many ways people mask their shame.

While it’s possible to develop toxic shame at any stage of life, we’re most vulnerable during childhood. As children, our futures and even our survival hinges on the acceptance of important adults in our lives. Rejection from parents, teachers, coaches, even peers can traumatically alter a child’s perception of him or herself. Children don’t have the wisdom or perspective to think, “Maybe my dad isn’t around because he’s struggling with addiction”, or “Maybe this teacher is in a bad mood because she’s going through a divorce.” Children have to believe the people in charge know best in order to feel safe, so when those people attack or reject them, the child believes he or she is the problem.

As adults, it’s easy to lose track of how important we are in the eyes of children. We get caught up in our own lives, our own stresses and even our own shame. We forget that we are the mirrors through which these children will come to view themselves. Even with the best intentions, we do damage when we push too far, come down too hard or force children into the molds we cast for them. The shame epidemic is at an all-time high. Kids today are facing insurmountable pressure to succeed and the bar is only getting higher. They need us to create environments where they are free to explore, create, take risks and fail without diminishing their worth. Our words matter, our behavior matters and our attitudes matter.

So, what messages should we be sending our kids to avoid Toxic Shame? Here are some tips:

You don’t have to be perfect. “Failure” is the best way to learn. By creating space for your child to make mistakes, they will feel more confident reaching for big goals. Show them there’s nothing productive about beating themselves up. Instead, encourage them to view the situation objectively to see what lessons can be learned to help them grow. A good trick to help your child gain perspective, is to ask them what they’d say to a friend in the same situation.
You are good, even when you do bad things. It’s very important to focus on problematic behavior without labeling or making generalizations about your child’s character. Even when they make mistakes, try to step into their shoes and understand what feelings drove them to the decision they made. Chances are, this will get you a lot further in terms of changing the behavior, rather than moving straight to punishment.
Your value is in simply being who you are; your value is not measured by your accomplishments. It’s easy to get caught up in rewarding or boasting about accomplishments. It’s only natural! But, if your child feels like he or she only receives attention or praise for their achievements, you may unintentionally send the message that your love is contingent on what they do, rather than who they are. Remember to point out the little things that make them unique and special to you.
Don’t ever be ashamed of how you feel. Your feelings will always be safe with me. Sometimes teens and pre-teens can come across as melodramatic. Try your best to remember what it was like when you were their age. Don’t dismiss them. Sometimes all they really need, is to know you’re willing to listen. It’s hard to resist giving advice, but teens are being told what to do all day long. Sometimes they just want someone to vent to. You will ultimately gain your child’s trust by showing them you’re able to really hear them, without judgement. Relate to their feelings, rather than simply reacting to the situation. The time will absolutely come for guidance later, once emotions subside.
Parents aren’t perfect either. It’s perfectly okay to admit when you don’t have the answer. By owning your own imperfections, you give your child permission to be imperfect themselves. You also avoid projecting your faults onto your child. We all make mistakes. When you can say, “That was my bad,” your child doesn’t have to take on and internalize the shame.

If someone would have told me in second grade, that I would receive my masters in Clinical Psychology, at the very top of my class, I never would have believed them. In high school, holding down any kind of a job seemed like a stretch. Now, I have private practices in Beverly Hills and Redondo Beach. I also work with kids at a couple of South Bay Schools. I write and do speaking engagements whenever I get the chance. The best part is that I get to show people that shame does not have to define you. It’s never too late to rewrite your story.